Something Wonderful...

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 18:57:49 GMT

Create your own! By ga_woo using Web Services by Yahoo!

177.2

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 04:50:08 GMT

How am I going to go up in weight today?!?! What the hell? Oh, fuck it. The only thing I can think of that could cause this is eating potstickers for dinner last night, and they probably have a lot of sodium in them, causing water retention. Whatever.

"Does too much restriction of food intake really slow one’s metabolism? If so, how much and at what level of calorie reduction does this kick in?

On the first question: Yes, which is among the many reasons why starvation diets don’t work. “Any time a person drops below 1,200 calories [a day], the body shows signs of slower basal metabolism,” Aldana says. Talbott cites research that shows anything less than 1,000 calories per day would prompt slower metabolism. Bryant puts the range at 1,000 to 1,200 calories a day.

Don’t worry too much about that minor discrepancy. Most of us would have to use incredible restraint to keep our caloric intake that low. “As soon as you cut calories [significantly], you’re not the same person metabolically,” Gaesser says.

Does the number of meals you eat impact your metabolic rate?

No, but it can impact hunger and energy levels. “This has been studied,” says Larson, who cites a study published in the British Journal of Nutrition.1 “There is no effect. Eating 7 meals a day was the same as eating 2 meals a day [regarding metabolic rate], so long as total calorie intake was the same.”

Talbott, Bryant, Gaesser and Mullin agree but also cite evidence that small, frequent meals stabilize glucose levels — which in turn can control hunger.2 “Keeping insulin and glucose at a steady state is the best way to maintain a ‘healthy’ metabolism,” Mullin says.

Does working out harder extend your metabolic burn beyond the time of the workout itself? For example, does it extend the calorie burn deeper into the day if you work out hard for 20 minutes rather than for 20 minutes moderately?

Yes, Gaesser says. The exercise afterburn effect, also known as excess postexercise oxygen consumption (EPOC), directly affects metabolism and is stronger after a hard workout. “Intensity is more important than duration,” he says, citing a 2003 Norwegian study.3 Gaesser says that for a few hours after a hard workout, your hourly calorie burn rate would equal 15% to 20% of the total calories used during the workout. A moderate workout would yield only a 10% EPOC-related calorie burn.

For instance, someone who did step aerobics for 30 minutes and expended 400 calories would have an afterburn effect of 60 to 80 calories per hour. And a person who walked for an hour and burned 500 calories would have an afterburn effect of about 50 calories. Interesting stuff, but that’s still a fairly paltry calorie burn you’re getting after exercise (vs. during), so don’t think you can use EPOC to justify a cheeseburger and fries.

Are there supplements and herbs that can increase metabolism?

Yes, but there’s not a lot of solid science behind them, Bryant says. Green tea and caffeine are the most studied supplements in terms of metabolic boost. Mullin cites a 2007 study in the journal Obesity that found drinking a beverage containing green tea catechin, caffeine and calcium 3 times a day increased 24-hour energy expenditure by 4.6% in healthy, young, lean men and women.4 Talbott recommends green tea, calcium and thiamine to control metabolism. “The real value of these supplements is not that they ‘increase’ metabolism but rather that they help to prevent metabolism from dropping as you lose weight,” he says.

Are there really foods that increase metabolic burn?

No. “No foods have the magical quality to burn the calories away,” Gaesser says. However, there is a thermic effect to food — the digestion process burns calories and boosts metabolism.

Gaesser cites an article he wrote scheduled to be published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association in the summer of 2007. He reviewed information from the Nurses’ Health Study and the Iowa Women’s Health Study and found that protein has the highest thermic effect, followed by carbohydrates. “Fat has almost no thermic effect,” he says.

But Larson cites a Dutch study that concluded that eating omega-3 fats can boost metabolism, while saturated fat consumption slows metabolism.5 “Foods close to their natural form such as fruits, veggies and whole grains do take longer to digest,” Aldana points out. “As compared to refined, processed foods, whole foods require 10 to 20 more calories to be burned just to digest the food.”

Again, don’t let the scientific sparring distract you from the bottom line: Fresh produce, whole grains, lean protein and low-fat dairy are better for you than processed, sugary foods. And to lose weight, you must burn more calories than you consume. "

Pretting interesting article. Today I left early and picked Clyde up at Derek's house. We drove around delivering drugs and selling pot. We were going to out to eat, but he had to reup so we didn't have any spending money. So he was going to get his EBT card and we were going to go to the store, but Jim had the EBT card and wasn't going to be back til tomorrow. So I wound up not eating a scrap for 8 hours. That sucked. I will be the first to admit that I love food, and I love to eat. That's how I got here in the first place. But that's kind of a long time to wait. I didn't smoke any pot while I was there, with them. Jim works for Franz bread and he always has cookies or donuts or bagels... All sorts of nasty binge-inducing treats. I didn't want to get stoned and gorge on them. There was also leftover pizza, but I REALLY didn't want to eat that. Maybe, MAYBE if I could weigh it first so I could look up the calories... No, that's fucking embarrassing in front of my friends. So yeah, no eating. I have pot here, so I'm gonna get baked and have some oatmeal because my intake is still below 1,000. I still have a lot of exercising left to do. That first before more food, otherwise it won't happen at all. Geeze, I am so motivated. Good luck to you all. Stay strong.

PS Haha, That Natasha Sidekick video reminds me of the movie Sky High. Where they seperate the heros from the sidekicks, and it's bad news to be a sidekick.

176.4

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 07:22:33 GMT

It's been 7 days since I started controlling my intake. I didn't have a specific caloric goal in mind, just exercise goals. I did pretty well at achieving them. I've started running around the block (about four miles) every other day. I do intervals of jogging, sprinting and walking inbetween the telephone poles. They're evenly spaced along my road so I start at one and walk to the next one, then run to the next one and walk again. It keeps my heart rate up. There's a few hills thrown in as well. I've also been timing myself. Today it took me 1.13.56 to go those four miles. There was a problem with the tendon at the top of my right leg, on the inside. It hurt, but I pushed through it. That's very unhealthy, I know. I've lost 4.4 lbs in a week, and three of those days my intake was above 2,000. One day was below 900 calories.
Today's intake is 1338.
I've taken 15,205 steps which equals 775 calories.

I'm satisfied today.

176.6

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 19:02:44 GMT

I haven't weighed myself yet, I'm still drinking coffee.

I wanted to post this video. It's pretty good 'thinspiration'. This is not racist, but she's like the skinniest black chick I've ever seen. I know that anyone can have any type of body, but I always thought that black people were always "thicker" than white people. But yeah, if I could have her body, things would be perfect. And she can really dance well, too.

Natasha-Sidekick

And a big haha at my last entry. We got into a huge fight on the 17th. He kicked out the taillights on my car. He also pushed me over into the passenger seat and was driving up and down Derek's road at 50mph threatening to wreck my car. I was truely scared for my life. So we broke up. I cut the string on the balloon and let it go, and I smeared the rose on the ground and wrote some nasty stuff on the card, but I didn't give it to him. This will be the second time we've "really" broken up. Last time was November 4th. But we got back together. We're still talking. I'm supposed to see him today on the pretense of him giving me more pot, because I'm all out. He says he loves me, and I think I love him. If this is so, how come we keep fighting, he keeps abusing me and we keep breaking up. He threatens to breakup with me alot, but we end up getting back together within ten minutes. So I didn't tell anyone this time that we broke up. I don't want drama. He says that I'm not on his team. He hates my parents, specifically my mother. He was pissed that my mother started to talk about getting a job to him. He makes a lot of money selling pot, and he told her that in so many words. Said that her income wasn't shit. I can't make him shut up, I can't make my mother shut up, so I just walked away. Clyde was furious that I didn't stick up for him to my mother. Therefore I'm not on his team. We break up. I think I want to stay broken up, but I miss him. I can't stand the thought of him with another girl. And I'm too ugly and boring to get a new boyfriend. If I'm not with Clyde, then I'm shut-in at my house. I don't even do anything where I could meet people. And I certainly don't want to meet any of the guys that Kaytee knows. Wow, this has turned into a really long rant. Maybe I should cut this. Did I mention that we've been together for almost 3 years?

177.6

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 08:00:02 GMT

See, it works. The scale will move.

Dad brought home Papa Murphy's pizza and I just ate whatever I wanted. Still counted calories, though. It's over 2,000 for the day. Whatever. I did achieve all of my fitness goals today. My legs are soooo sore. I can barely move around. I hope the scale will still move in the morning. If it doesn't move I want it to stay the same. It's so shitty to see it go down and get up some hope and then it's right back to where it started in the first place. Stupid heavy pizza. Stupid heavy body. Clyde says he's going to take me on a "pot-picnic" tomorrow. So, I'll eat sushi and play hella frisbee. He is such a fabulous boyfriend to me. Things have really changed for the better in our relationship. He brought me a rose bouquet, a nice card and a heart balloon. And drugs, lots of nice drugs. He loves me and I love him and we love each other always.

My entries are so incoherent lately.

180.4

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 05:10:13 GMT

Hm, I'm feeling shitty and nostalgic because all these people that I went to highschool with, the group that I was so close to, yet never really fit in with. They are all still hanging out together and doing cool things with one-another. And I only have one friend and my boyfriend. Well, technically just the boyfriend because he hates my one friend. My life is lame. I feel like all of this stuff would change if I were thin. In fact, I went to wish one of my childhood friends a happy birthday, and I found out he had un-friended me. It's so stupid to get upset over an internet thing. I care about these people, and they don't care about me. I would recognize them anywhere. They don't recognize me at all. I don't think it's because I look different, I just think they don't care. Or they never really saw me. All through school. From elementary, even. Not a soul. Stupid myspace. They give such a voyeuristic glimpse into the life of these people that I want to be with, that I want to be, but they are so far away from me. And I'm so jealous. How and when will this change. Hm, the best thinspiration is to look at these people from highschool and think that to be with them or like them, I need to be thin. Fucking skinny. A skeleton.

No, probably not.

In other news, depending on what Clyde brings me from his travels, today could be a very good food day. I alternated running and walking between telephone poles. I went around our very big block, almost 5 miles that way. My thighs are very very sore. Someday I'll do that over and over again and not even feel winded. I ate very controlled portions of food and only had one piece of candy. (Although I had 6 chocolates last night.) No matter, the past is the past and today is today and today I did great. Tomorrow I will do better and I will lose weight.

Goddammit.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 05:49:59 GMT

I am a total and hopeless wannarexic. Today I ment to fast, but ended up eating about 2,000 calories instead. No lie. That is pathetic and rediculous. And of course, it's my parents' fault for making me eat. Mom brought home crab, and how am I going to turn that down? So that, plus other things I couldn't resist, makes me a huge fat, wannarexic. I will never lose any weight if things carry on like this. No exercise and a huge intake. This sucks. This is shitty. I'm shitty. Well, tomorrow is another day. The mantra of a wannarexic, tomorrow is another day.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 02:45:20 GMT

I failed my drive test today. Flubbed everything that could be flubbed, but if I just NOT flub ONE thing, I'll pass. Better luck next wednesday.

I'm hungry, but I'm so close to my calorie limit that I can't think of anything to eat that will not put me over. Maybe I'll just go to bed? I got up so early today.

When do girls stop forcing themselves away from food and start forcing themselves to eat just to please their parents/stay alive?

Does that make sense? I am full of questions today.

A toast to starry nights, seeking comfort divine.
Celebrating life, swimming circles in light.

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:01:36 GMT

Everybody on the west coast must get up early to check their myspace before school. I can't get a word in edgewise there, so to speak.

I am up earlier than I have been in months because I'm trying to be a good, nice, responsible adult. Plan is to do yoga and 30 mins on the treadmill, eat oatmeal and eventually meet up with C to go job hunting. If I'm lucky, I'll secure a job. If I'm even luckier, it won't be a Mcdonald's. Incredibly lucky would be no fast food place at all, but even the guy carrying the fourleaf clover and sporting the horseshoe necklace is not that lucky. I saw him, he works at Starbucks. Whatever.

Hokay, so. It is good to listen to Jack Off Jill in the morning. Gets me appropriatly angry for the day ahead. I need to start posting here more because I'm spending too much time on the internet without doing anything constructive. Pfahhh.

Goodluck all. Ha.

When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too.

Day 1

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 07:23:58 GMT

So this day one was a fail, but I've been out of wack for so long it's almost understandable. Almost. School starts tomorrow. I can make it really official then.

Things I'm going to do:

Make a things to do daily list and mark it in a planner and cross it off as I finish them.

Take pictures of my favorite skinny clothes and post them where I can see them and take them with me.

Wear pedometer everyday and track calories. Try and get a better one ASAP. Probably next paycheck.

Do some sort of learning activity everyday. Math, read some textbook, listen to a lecture, work on spelling and vocabulary.

Do something creative everyday. Draw or write or make something with my hands. Sew.

Finish a book a week.

Work on posture and typing skills.

Learn more practical HTML.

Things to do tomorrow:

Finish notebook/things to do lists and planner.

Exercise.

Go to bed at a decent hour.

What I did today was work 11-4. I ended up eating some of the mistakes, and then because I was obsessing on what I couldn't have, I minibinged on two cookies from subway brought in by a co-worker and I went to Jamba Juice and had smoothie. (Is it healthy or feasible to fast on Jamba Juice?) Came home, got stoned. Etc. So I'm swearing off pain pills for now. The next to go is weed, just until I'm entirely sure the methadone is gone from my body. I told C I was really going to try this time and I want him to hold me accountable.

Yesterday, he made me cum for the first time in our two year relationship. Oralwise I mean.

"Talkin' about gats, traps, cops and robbers
it's 911 please call the doctor!"

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 03:42:07 GMT

Dear Madradnoodz,
This is my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/moderatelyawesome

Sincerely,
Robin

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 06:22:44 GMT

Q&A

1 .Do you parents know about your ED? No.

2. How about your friends? No, either.

3. Ever been to recovery? Not severe enough.

4. How much weight do you want to lose? 70+ pounds

5. What do you think started your ED? Being jealous of other girls, and wanting to please and feel comfortable around my boyfriend.

6. What other illnesses besides an ED do you have? depression, anxiety. Special!

7. Do any of your friends have an ED? I don't think so.

8. Does anyone in your family have an ED? No.

9. How often do you weigh yourself? 1-3 times a day.

put an "x" in the boxes that apply to you

[x] I am or have been suicidal
[X] I self harm
[x] I drink/use drugs
[ ] I purge
[x] I hide/throw away food
[ ] I hardly have any friends because of my ED
[ ] I never go out anymore
[x] I exercise excessively

Finish the sentence...

1. When I weigh myself...... I picture the numbers going down and what I will look like then.

2. I eat.... at night, too much, too often.

3. I hate..... the urge to overeat and that I can't ignore it.

4. If I were at my ultimate goal weight.....I would be a wonderful, light, lively human being.

5. If my parents knew about my ED.... I'd be extra self-concious about eating around them.

6. I need....... a will and a way.

7. I wish...... I could see results the next day.

8. I lie...... to get my way, to save my ass.

9. I miss...... being happy and active.

Thu, 08 May 2008 08:10:03 GMT

I had a triple shot mocha at six o'clock today. I'm very caffinated and cannot sleep. My mind is racing at a million miles an hour, so this is just a brain dump of all the random shit careening around my noggin.

I have a 272 dollar paycheck coming to me on friday. I owe twenty to Jimmy, twenty to top my phone up, twenty to Jamie for drugs, and fourty to my mother for the kitten package. Which leaves me with 172 to do with as I like. I'll be able to put away at least a hundred dollars for the Zune. I decided to go with that instead of the iPod because I'll be able to put my movies on there without converting to m4a status. I hope all my music fits on there as well.

I am addicted to drugs something bad. I felt like there was no way I would make it through my 4 hour shift tonight with out some sort of chemical inside me. I pestered KT for the five dollars I had just given her for gas. I looked for Jamie, I asked Molly, I texted Jamie and finally reserved 4 percs for myself on friday. I decided that I would do a speedball type thing with the extra shots of coffee, and I thought I might smoke a bowl during my break but KT and Robert showed up with Chinese food and I ended up BSing and eating that. Now I'm still wicked caffinated. I haven't taken my pills in three days, I believe. It's starting to effect me. I feel a little overwhelmed by everything I'm supposed to be doing. When I take the pills it's like, I forget about most of the responsiblities I have, or things looming that I should be doing. Like calling Grandma and arranging a payment plan. I want everything now now now, and I'd rather get it now and pay it all back after.

Clyde's getting up I think this is the end.

Day 1

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:35:49 GMT

Will all my subjects be "Day One" until the end of time? I'm going to control my eating today. I've been binging uncontrollably for a month, maybe a month and a half. Since mid-March. I had the guts to jump on the scale yesterday, I'm up ten pounds to 160. My body feels totally alien to me. I have a hard time moving around and none of my clothes fit comfortably. Last night I stayed up late working on a control list of things I need to do daily, weekly, monthly for all my parts; Body, mind, intake, outgo, chores. I drew up a budget so hopefully I can start saving some money. I'm supposed to be saving for car insurance but it's been impossible. I've been spending on every little whim and want. I have nothing in the bank.

I haven't exercised since mid-March either. I'm all around disgusting.

So this is my plan: I'm going to stick to 1000 cals a day, drink 2 liters of water, drink laxi tea at night, and eat a ton of fiber in the morning to clean out my system, and push all this ugly binge food out of my tubes. Kind of a detox. Then once I start pooping normally, I'll bring my cals down, eat more veggies instead of carbs and maybe even a fast day here and there. Maybe once a week? Exercise an hour a day, minimum. Half hour cardio, 20 mins yoga, 10 mins on the exercise ball doing sit ups and push ups, etc.

My skin, hair and nails will be perfect always.

I don't want to talk about my downfalls anymore. It will only be up (and down) from here.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:15:48 GMT

It's 8am. If you couldn't tell, I'm out of weed. Last night I resin hit my pipe like three times before I could fall asleep. I woke up this morning at 6:30, tried the same trick again, but it didn't work. These fucking pills. I couldn't remember what I had written yesterday. Gah.

Work today. Gonna exercise if I can stomach it, because both of my parents are up and I'd be really self-concious. What the hell am I going to eat today?

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:02:13 GMT

So I'm sitting here drinking tea, and NOT eating breakfast because I know what's coming later. Mom is taking me out to get a haircut, eyebrow wax, pick up paycheck, pay off PPH and most imporant (to her) lunch at Alfy's Pizza. Fear not! It has been pre-decided that we will partake only of the salad bar. I took another double dose, I will not enjoy it (the salad). I am also really goofy.

So apparently, the only way I can get any good sleep is by getting stoned first. The thing that made me tired in the first place (at 1 am) was pot. I was awakened by my cat at 4:30 am, spent an hour tossing around, then reading before finally catching the hint and taking another two or three tokes. Fell right to sleep about 15 mins after that. Fuck. That's going to be an expensive habit. A weird thing that I noticed is the Celxa dialates my pupils. That doesn't look very good, like I am DEFINATELY on drugs. I hope I don't have to keep uping the dose to get the same effect. Can you abuse an anti-depressant?

::Edit::

So for lunch Mom took me instead to Tokyo Stop and I got an 8 piece cali roll. Got my hair cut and eyebrows done after that. I look great, but I need a hair straightener. She asked me what I wanted to do with my bangs. I giggled and said I liked her's, could she do something like that? I'm sure she gets the request all the time. My paycheck was only 68 dollars and I had to give it all away to PPH. I won the bake sale basket at work! It's worth about 200 dollars. Inside there was two bottles of perfume, Valentino and Escada, a bunch of stuff from Benefit and some mascara and makeup remover from Clinique. Some of it is like face powder and blush, which I don't use because I like being pale and my face gets pink enough on its own. But I still won, holy shit!!

Wow, tangent.

I also ate 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 cup almond milk, 1/2 cup total, and 1/2 cup frozen blueberries for dinner.

Then my parents came home with pie, and Mom watched me eat it. Some of it. Too much. So that's an unnecessary 360 cals (estimated by sparkpeople).

Today's total: 930. Burned about 105 cals walking around just doing stuff.

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:12:50 GMT

I binged hard on apple pie last night so logically; fast today. It's 4 o'clock so this is hour 16. Took a double dose (40 milligrams) of Celxa this morning. I don't even want to eat. Also, burned 200 cals on the treadmill, did 40 mins of yoga and a couple strength moves. Strength workouts are my weakness. I hate to do floor work, I never fully fatigue my muscles and I rest too long between sets. I feel hunger pains, but I distance myself.

24 hours minimum, can I go longer with the help of my meds? I'm fucking serious this time. Fast for two days, then start March with a clean slate. Can I lose 20 lbs by opening day?

I will lose twenty pounds by opening day of fishing, April 25th.

::Edit::

So I broke my fast because I have like, no willpower. I thought it was going to be a family sit-down dinner. My mother and I went to the store and bought all these veggies, and she bought almond M&Ms which I didn't have any of even though they were right in front of me stinking up the car with their chocolately goodness. Wait, what? It turned out to NOT be a family dinner, but I had pysched myself up for dinner on the ride home so I steamed some potato and onion. That plus a little veg butter, a small salad and a FUCKING graham cracker with peanut butter equals 512 cals according to sparkpeople.com.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 20:44:12 GMT

That girl possessed by Celxa. I started with 20 milligrams on the 23rd. It has the pleasant side effect of appetite suppression. It's like a disassociation from hunger pangs. I feel my stomach growl, but I don't feel the urge to eat. I also got stoned on it for the first time yesterday, and that was amazing. I had super spectacular sex with Clyde, we didn't fight at all, but the greatest thing was I didn't feel the urge to devour the entire kitchen. Before when I got stoned, I couldn't think of anything to do, anything that would distract me enough and my thoughts always circled back to eating. It's not like that now. I can be stoned and enjoy the feeling without dying to eat. Even last night, in my own house where I would normally binge until I felt sick, I stood in the kitchen because it was habit but I couldn't find anything that sounded good enough to eat.

Sometimes, I realize with a gag, the feeling reminds me of ecstasy. Don't they work on the same brain chemicals?

I'm testing out the motivation aspect of it today. I'm having a hard time getting off the computer and on to the treadmill. Once I do, I'm going to take it slow. It's been weeks since I've been on there.

But like, LOOK! I managed to update my LJ, will update later with intake.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 09:40:25 GMT

Tomorrow (today, the 3rd) is my 20th birthday. I am scared shitless. I am no longer a teenager, and I need to grow the hell up. (Does that mean I can't read Seventeen Magazine anymore?) I'm just going to tell people that I've been 18 for two years. There are so many depressing thoughts I've thunk in regards to this landmark, but they're all in my analog journal. If I had the wit or stamina to express them again in a digital world, and let's face it, who's going to read it and/or comment on this pathetic blather anyway. So whatever. I was born at 11:56 am and by that reasoning I have ten or so hours left to be 19, a teenager, as I've defined myself, the only self that I've known. If I'm going to continue wishing I was still 14, even when I'm thirty I should just kill myself now. And that is the jist. The end.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 05:04:26 GMT

Today was an vast improvement over yesterday, which consisted of a freakin' 12 hour binge, it felt like. Just schlepping around on the internet in my pajamas all day. Also consuming mass quantities of molasses cookie dough. Yuck. I can't wait to get that out of me.

Today I still schlepped, but I also managed to get in to my workout clothes to complete a 1/2 hour jog/walk on the treadmill, about 200 cals and the seventeen workout. Two sets 20 each side lunges, 40 inclined pushups, 40 seated rows, and 40 reverse crunches. That's it, that's all the strenghth workout is. Plus it pulls out of the mag and has a little tracking chart on the bottom. It's perfect. And it's so short. I'm gonna do the strenghth every other day, and cardio every day. Plus one hour yoga a day. Those are my exercise goals. Nutrition-wise, I'd like to be strictly vegan, eat just fruit for breakfast and consume no more than 1,200 cals a day. Also, 2-4 bottles of water. That's it. The toughest part is staying strictly vegan because a lot of foods have sneaky little bits of milk or egg mixed in. Like progresso garden vegetable has milk AND eggs tossed in there just to screw me up.

Clyde is being a cooter-face. He's so upset that I didn't come to see him the last two days, that he's punishing me by NOT seeing me tomorrow, and for who knows how long. I think the Ipod fight totally ruined this relationship for me. I feel a much diminished effect from our fighting. He even hung up on me and I felt no (well maybe a little) sadness or desire to call him right back. Which I would have done a few weeks ago, and groveled at his feet to forgive me, even if I had done nothing wrong. He really does beat me up and badly sometimes.

Tomorrow I get paid. I want to go thrifting. Mom is taking me to redeem the recyclables and then the whole family is going out to dinner at the China Buffet. Eek. I'm not gonna eat anything all day so I can eat whatever I want there. I probably won't stay vegan even.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:40:07 GMT

Lawl. I was just browsing through my friends page here, all the 'pro-ana' communities, when my parents switch over to a show on channel 9 that features teen use of the internet just in time for the section on the 'pro-ana trend'. I want to punch the girl they interviewed straight in the face for referring to it as ana. Such a wannarexic. Ha.

Anyway... I'm a fat kid. I bought a new shirt to wear when I am thin. Still gonna beat Skeleton Barbie to 140 but seriously, must try harder. I need to map out my exact food plan for tomorrow. Try that route and see if that works because the night binging needs to stop. Blah.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 06:15:48 GMT

I'm back up to 148 this morning.

Oatmeal for breakfast, chips, hummus and salsa when I got home from work. Then kind of a chip binge right before dinner. Small salad with dressing, then a gardenburger chikin patty my dad cooked like chicken parmesan so like, smothered in cheese and sauce with spaghetti. Half the serving he gave me and some brussels sprouts and vegan butter. Three bites banana and some amaretto and almond milk.

So not horrible, but not great either. I feel too full, like sickeningly, squirmy.

Walked/jogged on the treadmill for 30 minutes and did 20 minutes of yoga.

Worked a 4 hour shift in linens and Gretchen talked the entire time about her ex-husband's butt, her promiscuous college days and playing strip poker. She's a talker, man, but she's not very entertaining. I have to work with her for another 4 or 5 hours tomorrow. I think I'm just going to get mad high on vicodin and zone out. I bought some super cute underwear from Victoria's Secret, but I don't feel worthy enough to wear them yet. Two pairs are pink and black and one is a lacy little thong with a lace up in the back. He's gonna flip his lid if I can come to him all sexy, thin and "gussied up". Heh. Just a couple days of eating light will put me back in this state. I want it. I want to beat Skeleton Barbie to 140.

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 09:20:13 GMT

It is ok to not feed your face constantly. I want soup very badly. I'm so close to 140, why am I fucking it up? I want people to take notice of the weight I've lost. I want them to be suprised, worried or jealous. I want L, who has lost a decent amount of weight herself, to comment on me. I want the ladies at work to say to me "Oh you are so healthy" and wish they could have the willpower I do. I want there to be no more cake to pinch.

I bought a new handbag for 102 dollars. I am not a punk-ass kid anymore, dragging that patched and sewn, stolen from Hot Topic canvas bag around. I am a woman with a designer purse. It's not a bag, it's a PURSE.

I have an abusive boyfriend. He doesn't trust me. I was trying to show him this song, and while we were listening he managed to catch a glimpse of my thinspo pics that I have on there. He freaked and started trying to pry it out of my fingers but I fought desperately to keep it so he "tiger clawed" the fat, fleshy part of my upper arm. There are 5 distinct fingerprints in my flesh but it is rapidly turning into a very large and colorful bruise. That was yesterday. Today, he pressed his elbow on to my neck and held me down so he could get the Ipod from me. I told him what it was, "pictures of bone-thin women" and not boys, as he thought. But he still had to see them and I am so ashamed. I am fucking pathetic. I can't lose weight and I get stoned and munch out in front of him all the time. I screamed and cried, trying to hide those pictures and we almost broke up. I am so sick in the head for not wanting to leave him, for giving him everything and worshiping at his feet. Gah. I just wanted to die, to tear myself apart. I was lying on the bed, waiting for him to return and contemplating suicide. My mother has a bottle of 750 vicodin, maybe twenty left. If I take those and chase it with Amaretto liqueur, which is all we have in the house, would it kill me? I started making mental notes of chemicals I could potentially suppliment the vicodin with and all the problems dying would solve. There are so many things that are desperately wrong with me and I can't seem to find the willpower to even try to remedy them. My suicide would ultimately tear this family apart and send them into financial ruin with the funeral costs and all. Wait, they could use my college fund to bury me, isn't THAT depressing? Or maybe it's just seasonal affectation disorder.

I have pushed all my friends away to be with him.

Just now, I'm racing with another girl to 140. Dammit, I will win. I was excited to be accepted into CollegeSkinny, but there is a piece of homework due and I can't bring myself to complete it. I'm going to be kicked out and then I will be even more of a fucking failure.

There are bruises all over my body. I want to be so hungry that I faint. Do I have the willpower for that? Hell no, I love stuffing my face more than anything, it appears.

</a>

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 23:20:19 GMT

Today is a day off. I was desperate to get here. I think there is something wrong with me because there is always a nagging feeling that there is something to get done and no matter what I do it's never enough. I want to be perfect but I don't know how to get there. Wait a minute, I do but I'm too lazy to do anything I deem necessary to get there. Like now, I've already been on the computer three times today, I'm home alone, I should be running or doing yoga or something constructive even but alas I just feel like eating. I took one percocet to try and stave off the eating but it hasn't worked. At least it's only been a salad/veggie binge if there is such a thing. I don't even have a presidential candidate selected. I'm old enough to care about this shit. I'm old enough to take care of myself and make something of it but all I'm doing today and all I can foresee doing for the rest of today is eating and reading. An excuse for myself; I worked 6 days in a row. But now it should be time to work on myself. This is such a shitty new year. I haven't stuck to any of my fucking resolutions and I can't find the energy to do so. What is wrong with me?

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 08:14:25 GMT

I passed the CollegeSkinnny probation week, and school has officially started. I'm was down to 146 but I've been doing this all-or-nothing jagg while being stoned and ragging, so who knows what tomorrow morning will bring. I work at 1030 tomorrow, excersize before hand? Yes?