How am I going to go up in weight today?!?! What the hell? Oh, fuck it. The only thing I can think of that could cause this is eating potstickers for dinner last night, and they probably have a lot of sodium in them, causing water retention. Whatever.

( Article on Metabolism )
Pretting interesting article. Today I left early and picked Clyde up at Derek's house. We drove around delivering drugs and selling pot. We were going to out to eat, but he had to reup so we didn't have any spending money. So he was going to get his EBT card and we were going to go to the store, but Jim had the EBT card and wasn't going to be back til tomorrow. So I wound up not eating a scrap for 8 hours. That sucked. I will be the first to admit that I love food, and I love to eat. That's how I got here in the first place. But that's kind of a long time to wait. I didn't smoke any pot while I was there, with them. Jim works for Franz bread and he always has cookies or donuts or bagels... All sorts of nasty binge-inducing treats. I didn't want to get stoned and gorge on them. There was also leftover pizza, but I REALLY didn't want to eat that. Maybe, MAYBE if I could weigh it first so I could look up the calories... No, that's fucking embarrassing in front of my friends. So yeah, no eating. I have pot here, so I'm gonna get baked and have some oatmeal because my intake is still below 1,000. I still have a lot of exercising left to do. That first before more food, otherwise it won't happen at all. Geeze, I am so motivated. Good luck to you all. Stay strong.


PS Haha, That Natasha Sidekick video reminds me of the movie Sky High. Where they seperate the heros from the sidekicks, and it's bad news to be a sidekick.

It's been 7 days since I started controlling my intake. I didn't have a specific caloric goal in mind, just exercise goals. I did pretty well at achieving them. I've started running around the block (about four miles) every other day. I do intervals of jogging, sprinting and walking inbetween the telephone poles. They're evenly spaced along my road so I start at one and walk to the next one, then run to the next one and walk again. It keeps my heart rate up. There's a few hills thrown in as well. I've also been timing myself. Today it took me 1.13.56 to go those four miles. There was a problem with the tendon at the top of my right leg, on the inside. It hurt, but I pushed through it. That's very unhealthy, I know. I've lost 4.4 lbs in a week, and three of those days my intake was above 2,000. One day was below 900 calories.
Today's intake is 1338.
I've taken 15,205 steps which equals 775 calories.

I'm satisfied today.

I haven't weighed myself yet, I'm still drinking coffee.

I wanted to post this video. It's pretty good 'thinspiration'. This is not racist, but she's like the skinniest black chick I've ever seen. I know that anyone can have any type of body, but I always thought that black people were always "thicker" than white people. But yeah, if I could have her body, things would be perfect. And she can really dance well, too.

Natasha-Sidekick


( Rant about my boyfriend. )

See, it works. The scale will move.

Dad brought home Papa Murphy's pizza and I just ate whatever I wanted. Still counted calories, though. It's over 2,000 for the day. Whatever. I did achieve all of my fitness goals today. My legs are soooo sore. I can barely move around. I hope the scale will still move in the morning. If it doesn't move I want it to stay the same. It's so shitty to see it go down and get up some hope and then it's right back to where it started in the first place. Stupid heavy pizza. Stupid heavy body. Clyde says he's going to take me on a "pot-picnic" tomorrow. So, I'll eat sushi and play hella frisbee. He is such a fabulous boyfriend to me. Things have really changed for the better in our relationship. He brought me a rose bouquet, a nice card and a heart balloon. And drugs, lots of nice drugs. He loves me and I love him and we love each other always.

My entries are so incoherent lately.

Hm, I'm feeling shitty and nostalgic because all these people that I went to highschool with, the group that I was so close to, yet never really fit in with. They are all still hanging out together and doing cool things with one-another. And I only have one friend and my boyfriend. Well, technically just the boyfriend because he hates my one friend. My life is lame. I feel like all of this stuff would change if I were thin. In fact, I went to wish one of my childhood friends a happy birthday, and I found out he had un-friended me. It's so stupid to get upset over an internet thing. I care about these people, and they don't care about me. I would recognize them anywhere. They don't recognize me at all. I don't think it's because I look different, I just think they don't care. Or they never really saw me. All through school. From elementary, even. Not a soul. Stupid myspace. They give such a voyeuristic glimpse into the life of these people that I want to be with, that I want to be, but they are so far away from me. And I'm so jealous. How and when will this change. Hm, the best thinspiration is to look at these people from highschool and think that to be with them or like them, I need to be thin. Fucking skinny. A skeleton.

No, probably not.

In other news, depending on what Clyde brings me from his travels, today could be a very good food day. I alternated running and walking between telephone poles. I went around our very big block, almost 5 miles that way. My thighs are very very sore. Someday I'll do that over and over again and not even feel winded. I ate very controlled portions of food and only had one piece of candy. (Although I had 6 chocolates last night.) No matter, the past is the past and today is today and today I did great. Tomorrow I will do better and I will lose weight.

Goddammit.

I am a total and hopeless wannarexic. Today I ment to fast, but ended up eating about 2,000 calories instead. No lie. That is pathetic and rediculous. And of course, it's my parents' fault for making me eat. Mom brought home crab, and how am I going to turn that down? So that, plus other things I couldn't resist, makes me a huge fat, wannarexic. I will never lose any weight if things carry on like this. No exercise and a huge intake. This sucks. This is shitty. I'm shitty. Well, tomorrow is another day. The mantra of a wannarexic, tomorrow is another day.

I failed my drive test today. Flubbed everything that could be flubbed, but if I just NOT flub ONE thing, I'll pass. Better luck next wednesday.

I'm hungry, but I'm so close to my calorie limit that I can't think of anything to eat that will not put me over. Maybe I'll just go to bed? I got up so early today.

When do girls stop forcing themselves away from food and start forcing themselves to eat just to please their parents/stay alive?

Does that make sense? I am full of questions today.

A toast to starry nights, seeking comfort divine.
Celebrating life, swimming circles in light.

Everybody on the west coast must get up early to check their myspace before school. I can't get a word in edgewise there, so to speak.

I am up earlier than I have been in months because I'm trying to be a good, nice, responsible adult. Plan is to do yoga and 30 mins on the treadmill, eat oatmeal and eventually meet up with C to go job hunting. If I'm lucky, I'll secure a job. If I'm even luckier, it won't be a Mcdonald's. Incredibly lucky would be no fast food place at all, but even the guy carrying the fourleaf clover and sporting the horseshoe necklace is not that lucky. I saw him, he works at Starbucks. Whatever.

Hokay, so. It is good to listen to Jack Off Jill in the morning. Gets me appropriatly angry for the day ahead. I need to start posting here more because I'm spending too much time on the internet without doing anything constructive. Pfahhh.

Goodluck all. Ha.

When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too.

So this day one was a fail, but I've been out of wack for so long it's almost understandable. Almost. School starts tomorrow. I can make it really official then.

Things I'm going to do:

Make a things to do daily list and mark it in a planner and cross it off as I finish them.

Take pictures of my favorite skinny clothes and post them where I can see them and take them with me.

Wear pedometer everyday and track calories. Try and get a better one ASAP. Probably next paycheck.

Do some sort of learning activity everyday. Math, read some textbook, listen to a lecture, work on spelling and vocabulary.

Do something creative everyday. Draw or write or make something with my hands. Sew.

Finish a book a week.

Work on posture and typing skills.

Learn more practical HTML.


Things to do tomorrow:

Finish notebook/things to do lists and planner.

Exercise.

Go to bed at a decent hour.



What I did today was work 11-4. I ended up eating some of the mistakes, and then because I was obsessing on what I couldn't have, I minibinged on two cookies from subway brought in by a co-worker and I went to Jamba Juice and had smoothie. (Is it healthy or feasible to fast on Jamba Juice?) Came home, got stoned. Etc. So I'm swearing off pain pills for now. The next to go is weed, just until I'm entirely sure the methadone is gone from my body. I told C I was really going to try this time and I want him to hold me accountable.

Yesterday, he made me cum for the first time in our two year relationship. Oralwise I mean.

"Talkin' about gats, traps, cops and robbers
it's 911 please call the doctor!"

Dear Madradnoodz,
This is my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/moderatelyawesome

Sincerely,
Robin

Q&A

1 .Do you parents know about your ED? No.

2. How about your friends? No, either.

3. Ever been to recovery? Not severe enough.

4. How much weight do you want to lose? 70+ pounds

5. What do you think started your ED? Being jealous of other girls, and wanting to please and feel comfortable around my boyfriend.

6. What other illnesses besides an ED do you have? depression, anxiety. Special!

7. Do any of your friends have an ED? I don't think so.

8. Does anyone in your family have an ED? No.

9. How often do you weigh yourself? 1-3 times a day.

put an "x" in the boxes that apply to you

[x] I am or have been suicidal
[X] I self harm
[x] I drink/use drugs
[ ] I purge
[x] I hide/throw away food
[ ] I hardly have any friends because of my ED
[ ] I never go out anymore
[x] I exercise excessively

Finish the sentence...


1. When I weigh myself...... I picture the numbers going down and what I will look like then.

2. I eat.... at night, too much, too often.

3. I hate..... the urge to overeat and that I can't ignore it.

4. If I were at my ultimate goal weight.....I would be a wonderful, light, lively human being.

5. If my parents knew about my ED.... I'd be extra self-concious about eating around them.

6. I need....... a will and a way.

7. I wish...... I could see results the next day.

8. I lie...... to get my way, to save my ass.

9. I miss...... being happy and active.

I had a triple shot mocha at six o'clock today. I'm very caffinated and cannot sleep. My mind is racing at a million miles an hour, so this is just a brain dump of all the random shit careening around my noggin.

I have a 272 dollar paycheck coming to me on friday. I owe twenty to Jimmy, twenty to top my phone up, twenty to Jamie for drugs, and fourty to my mother for the kitten package. Which leaves me with 172 to do with as I like. I'll be able to put away at least a hundred dollars for the Zune. I decided to go with that instead of the iPod because I'll be able to put my movies on there without converting to m4a status. I hope all my music fits on there as well.

I am addicted to drugs something bad. I felt like there was no way I would make it through my 4 hour shift tonight with out some sort of chemical inside me. I pestered KT for the five dollars I had just given her for gas. I looked for Jamie, I asked Molly, I texted Jamie and finally reserved 4 percs for myself on friday. I decided that I would do a speedball type thing with the extra shots of coffee, and I thought I might smoke a bowl during my break but KT and Robert showed up with Chinese food and I ended up BSing and eating that. Now I'm still wicked caffinated. I haven't taken my pills in three days, I believe. It's starting to effect me. I feel a little overwhelmed by everything I'm supposed to be doing. When I take the pills it's like, I forget about most of the responsiblities I have, or things looming that I should be doing. Like calling Grandma and arranging a payment plan. I want everything now now now, and I'd rather get it now and pay it all back after.

Clyde's getting up I think this is the end.

Will all my subjects be "Day One" until the end of time? I'm going to control my eating today. I've been binging uncontrollably for a month, maybe a month and a half. Since mid-March. I had the guts to jump on the scale yesterday, I'm up ten pounds to 160. My body feels totally alien to me. I have a hard time moving around and none of my clothes fit comfortably. Last night I stayed up late working on a control list of things I need to do daily, weekly, monthly for all my parts; Body, mind, intake, outgo, chores. I drew up a budget so hopefully I can start saving some money. I'm supposed to be saving for car insurance but it's been impossible. I've been spending on every little whim and want. I have nothing in the bank.

I haven't exercised since mid-March either. I'm all around disgusting.

So this is my plan: I'm going to stick to 1000 cals a day, drink 2 liters of water, drink laxi tea at night, and eat a ton of fiber in the morning to clean out my system, and push all this ugly binge food out of my tubes. Kind of a detox. Then once I start pooping normally, I'll bring my cals down, eat more veggies instead of carbs and maybe even a fast day here and there. Maybe once a week? Exercise an hour a day, minimum. Half hour cardio, 20 mins yoga, 10 mins on the exercise ball doing sit ups and push ups, etc.

My skin, hair and nails will be perfect always.

I don't want to talk about my downfalls anymore. It will only be up (and down) from here.

It's 8am. If you couldn't tell, I'm out of weed. Last night I resin hit my pipe like three times before I could fall asleep. I woke up this morning at 6:30, tried the same trick again, but it didn't work. These fucking pills. I couldn't remember what I had written yesterday. Gah.

Work today. Gonna exercise if I can stomach it, because both of my parents are up and I'd be really self-concious. What the hell am I going to eat today?

So I'm sitting here drinking tea, and NOT eating breakfast because I know what's coming later. Mom is taking me out to get a haircut, eyebrow wax, pick up paycheck, pay off PPH and most imporant (to her) lunch at Alfy's Pizza. Fear not! It has been pre-decided that we will partake only of the salad bar. I took another double dose, I will not enjoy it (the salad). I am also really goofy.

So apparently, the only way I can get any good sleep is by getting stoned first. The thing that made me tired in the first place (at 1 am) was pot. I was awakened by my cat at 4:30 am, spent an hour tossing around, then reading before finally catching the hint and taking another two or three tokes. Fell right to sleep about 15 mins after that. Fuck. That's going to be an expensive habit. A weird thing that I noticed is the Celxa dialates my pupils. That doesn't look very good, like I am DEFINATELY on drugs. I hope I don't have to keep uping the dose to get the same effect. Can you abuse an anti-depressant?

::Edit::

So for lunch Mom took me instead to Tokyo Stop and I got an 8 piece cali roll. Got my hair cut and eyebrows done after that. I look great, but I need a hair straightener. She asked me what I wanted to do with my bangs. I giggled and said I liked her's, could she do something like that? I'm sure she gets the request all the time. My paycheck was only 68 dollars and I had to give it all away to PPH. I won the bake sale basket at work! It's worth about 200 dollars. Inside there was two bottles of perfume, Valentino and Escada, a bunch of stuff from Benefit and some mascara and makeup remover from Clinique. Some of it is like face powder and blush, which I don't use because I like being pale and my face gets pink enough on its own. But I still won, holy shit!!

Wow, tangent.

I also ate 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 cup almond milk, 1/2 cup total, and 1/2 cup frozen blueberries for dinner.

Then my parents came home with pie, and Mom watched me eat it. Some of it. Too much. So that's an unnecessary 360 cals (estimated by sparkpeople).

Today's total: 930. Burned about 105 cals walking around just doing stuff.

I binged hard on apple pie last night so logically; fast today. It's 4 o'clock so this is hour 16. Took a double dose (40 milligrams) of Celxa this morning. I don't even want to eat. Also, burned 200 cals on the treadmill, did 40 mins of yoga and a couple strength moves. Strength workouts are my weakness. I hate to do floor work, I never fully fatigue my muscles and I rest too long between sets. I feel hunger pains, but I distance myself.

24 hours minimum, can I go longer with the help of my meds? I'm fucking serious this time. Fast for two days, then start March with a clean slate. Can I lose 20 lbs by opening day?

I will lose twenty pounds by opening day of fishing, April 25th.

::Edit::

So I broke my fast because I have like, no willpower. I thought it was going to be a family sit-down dinner. My mother and I went to the store and bought all these veggies, and she bought almond M&Ms which I didn't have any of even though they were right in front of me stinking up the car with their chocolately goodness. Wait, what? It turned out to NOT be a family dinner, but I had pysched myself up for dinner on the ride home so I steamed some potato and onion. That plus a little veg butter, a small salad and a FUCKING graham cracker with peanut butter equals 512 cals according to sparkpeople.com.

That girl possessed by Celxa. I started with 20 milligrams on the 23rd. It has the pleasant side effect of appetite suppression. It's like a disassociation from hunger pangs. I feel my stomach growl, but I don't feel the urge to eat. I also got stoned on it for the first time yesterday, and that was amazing. I had super spectacular sex with Clyde, we didn't fight at all, but the greatest thing was I didn't feel the urge to devour the entire kitchen. Before when I got stoned, I couldn't think of anything to do, anything that would distract me enough and my thoughts always circled back to eating. It's not like that now. I can be stoned and enjoy the feeling without dying to eat. Even last night, in my own house where I would normally binge until I felt sick, I stood in the kitchen because it was habit but I couldn't find anything that sounded good enough to eat.

Sometimes, I realize with a gag, the feeling reminds me of ecstasy. Don't they work on the same brain chemicals?

I'm testing out the motivation aspect of it today. I'm having a hard time getting off the computer and on to the treadmill. Once I do, I'm going to take it slow. It's been weeks since I've been on there.

But like, LOOK! I managed to update my LJ, will update later with intake.

Tomorrow (today, the 3rd) is my 20th birthday. I am scared shitless. I am no longer a teenager, and I need to grow the hell up. (Does that mean I can't read Seventeen Magazine anymore?) I'm just going to tell people that I've been 18 for two years. There are so many depressing thoughts I've thunk in regards to this landmark, but they're all in my analog journal. If I had the wit or stamina to express them again in a digital world, and let's face it, who's going to read it and/or comment on this pathetic blather anyway. So whatever. I was born at 11:56 am and by that reasoning I have ten or so hours left to be 19, a teenager, as I've defined myself, the only self that I've known. If I'm going to continue wishing I was still 14, even when I'm thirty I should just kill myself now. And that is the jist. The end.

Today was an vast improvement over yesterday, which consisted of a freakin' 12 hour binge, it felt like. Just schlepping around on the internet in my pajamas all day. Also consuming mass quantities of molasses cookie dough. Yuck. I can't wait to get that out of me.

Today I still schlepped, but I also managed to get in to my workout clothes to complete a 1/2 hour jog/walk on the treadmill, about 200 cals and the seventeen workout. Two sets 20 each side lunges, 40 inclined pushups, 40 seated rows, and 40 reverse crunches. That's it, that's all the strenghth workout is. Plus it pulls out of the mag and has a little tracking chart on the bottom. It's perfect. And it's so short. I'm gonna do the strenghth every other day, and cardio every day. Plus one hour yoga a day. Those are my exercise goals. Nutrition-wise, I'd like to be strictly vegan, eat just fruit for breakfast and consume no more than 1,200 cals a day. Also, 2-4 bottles of water. That's it. The toughest part is staying strictly vegan because a lot of foods have sneaky little bits of milk or egg mixed in. Like progresso garden vegetable has milk AND eggs tossed in there just to screw me up.

Clyde is being a cooter-face. He's so upset that I didn't come to see him the last two days, that he's punishing me by NOT seeing me tomorrow, and for who knows how long. I think the Ipod fight totally ruined this relationship for me. I feel a much diminished effect from our fighting. He even hung up on me and I felt no (well maybe a little) sadness or desire to call him right back. Which I would have done a few weeks ago, and groveled at his feet to forgive me, even if I had done nothing wrong. He really does beat me up and badly sometimes.

Tomorrow I get paid. I want to go thrifting. Mom is taking me to redeem the recyclables and then the whole family is going out to dinner at the China Buffet. Eek. I'm not gonna eat anything all day so I can eat whatever I want there. I probably won't stay vegan even.